Eschew Surplusage!

Have you ever noticed how things change and nobody told you? Sure, when you go back to someplace you haven't been to in a while, things will obviously have changed, but it's like the time you were away gave "life" permission to make some changes: tear that house down and put up a newer bigger "better" one, put in a whole neighborhood where the forest was where you built your fort, and "my just look how much you've grown!"

As a writer, I always try to be grammatically correct, have good diction, and use proper punctuation, but sometime between now and Freshman Comp, "proper" punctuation seems to have changed, or perhaps more like, umm, mutated, know what I'm sayin'? Totally.

I was taught that in a series ("Tom, Dick, and Harry"), there should be a comma between each element, including before the "and." Nowadays, though, that series would be written "Tom, Dick and Harry," with no comma before the "and." So what happened to the comma? I guess it either got lost on the way to the page or it was surplusage eschewed.

"Wha- wha- whaaat???"

And speaking of "and," time was when you couldn't start a sentence with "and." "Time was?" What's that about? Does that mean the phrase right above (literally) these words is saying that "time" used to be "when you couldn't start...." Okay I'm rambling now, but that's the whole point of this. Anyway, I know what "time was" means, but who uses it? Not me. Time was people said "time was," but now couldn't one just say "there was a time.." or "it used to be that...?" This, by the way, is not an example of how surplusage should be eschewed. In this case, more is better.

But, I digress.

Actually, not. But, yes, I digress, because "But I digress" is a line from a really cool song called "This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race," by the group Fall Out Boy.

On the other hand, I don't digress, because it used to be that you couldn't start a sentence with "but" either. "However" was okay and still is. But "but" and "and?" Yeah, you can start a sentence with them now, but since when? I guess I'll have to consult that paragon of English language instruction, the "Little, Brown Handbook," which I always thought was so named because it was small and brown in color (which it was, which confused me even more), but it was really named for the publishers - "Little" and "Brown." Or (aha, another "new" sentence starter!), more correctly "Little Brown" is the publisher), and this is truly a fine example of a run-on sentence.

Okay, I just took a "Little Brown" online comma quiz and it didn't even quiz me on commas in a series - it was only on conjunctive adjectives. "Conjuctive adjectives." Wha-wha-whaaat? So, (yeah, you're thinking about "so" aren't you?), the quiz had two commas in the series, which means that from now on, I'm sticking with what I was taught! Commas are fairly harmless, though; I just put them in where I would pause to take a breath if I was speaking. The apostrophe, though - there's a little punctuation ornament that's just tossed onto the Christmas tree of language wherever anyone damn well pleases!

I've seen questionable grammar, laughable misspellings, bad diction, and horrible misuses of the apostrophe, but the absolute worse - actually, it's the best - example, was on the back of a seat on a bus I was on once in Fort Benning, Georgia, where I was learning all about the TOW missile when I was in the Army. And, it was stenciled on, which means it was official. I love italics. I mean italics. Anyway, the stenciled words were: "No food, no drinks no loud raidio's." Arrrrggghhh!!! That's what my English Comp professor would probably have said. It's certainly what I thought.

Speaking of my English Comp professor, he taught us not to use so many words (unless you're rambling, which, again, is the whole point) when fewer will do. He also taught us not to use words that no one really uses. In other words, don't put on airs with your words - be a bit Hemingway-ish with your diction. He summed this lesson up perfectly, succinctly, and most ironically with the command:

"Eschew Surplusage!"

P.S. For my sake and that of my mom, please never ever use the following words or phrases in text or speech: "whereas," "ipso facto," "if you will," "ergo," "as it were," and "vis-a-vis."

P.P.S If you ever speak the name of a company, "Big Biscuit, Inc.," for example, and you say it " 'Big Biscuit, Ink', " instead of " 'Big Biscuit, Incorporated'," I will hunt you down and kill you.