Isabella and (not) Chicken Pox

Here is an email  my wonderful-mom sister-in-law had a few months ago with my brother Jeff about my niece Isabella...

Hi!  Remember last night I was telling you I was impressed that Isa knew so much about 'something?'  Chicken pox!  We were talking about being sick and she mentioned chicken pox."                    

"What is chicken pox?"  

Isa:  "Chicken pox is when you don't feel too well and you have tiny red spots all over your face." 

Claudia:  "Oh, so what should you do when you have chicken pox?"  

Isa:  "You need to stay in bed a long time."  

Claudia:  "And after staying in bed for a long time what happens?" 

Isa:  "You get all better, but you have to drink a lot of water!"  

Claudia:  "Oh, I remember when I was a little girl like you, and I got chicken pox, and I had to stay in bed for a long time and I couldn't go to school."  

Isa:  "Yeah, when I was a little girl like you I had chicken pox and I couldn't go to school either."  

Claudia:  "Oh, you remember when you were a little girl?"  

Isa:  "Yeah"  

Then she got dressed.  I asked her if she felt sick and then she said, "A little, but I don't have chicken pox! See? (points  to her face) I don't have spots on my face!" 

More Funny Things People Say And Do

1. "When I was your age, I had to walk to school. In the snow. Uphill. Both ways!" It seems like everyone's dad said this. They must have lived in a world painted by Salvador Dali, since, even though this memory was suspect, it remained persistent in the face of the obvious skepticism of their children.

2. Dr Weil is a syndicated newspaper columnist. A recent column of his was titled is "For healthier diet, avoid deep-frying." Really now?!

3. During a TV news conference in Los Angeles soon after I moved there, a police sergeant described the LAPD's response to a particular incident something like this: "We have 6 patrol cars, 10 officers, 2 helicopters, and1 K-9...dog." As opposed to what - a K-8...dog? A K-9...cat ?!

4. My Uncle Bob isn't the biggest fan of watching basketball games. He says you should start them with the score 100-100 and with two minutes left on the clock.

5. A few years ago, Channel 9 in Los Angeles ran an item on firefighter cooks and how some in LA were selling cookbooks to raise money for charity. During an interview, one of the firefighters was talking about the importance of a good-looking meal. He said, "presentation of a meal is 90%, so if you make a meal look good, that's half the battle right there."

6. Why do kids prefer the box the toy came in over the toy itself? Is it just something about boxes, like my niece Isabella seems to think?


















October 2006




















December 2007


7. I was flipping through the channels on TV one day and there was a special on how certain fried foods were made. An employee of Frito-Lay was describing the making of Fritos and their unique taste and said, "that's the taste we like to see in a Frito." I guess if you work at Frito-Lay, your taste buds have to be good at visualizing.

8. English Muffins promote, on their packages, "hearty nooks" and "tasty crannies." Hmmm. More visualization problems here. How can things like holes or spaces be tasty? You cold fill them up with butter - or, better yet, peanut butter - but then they wouldn't be holes or spaces anymore. Furthermore, wouldn't it be the just the butter or peanut butter that is "hearty" and "tasty?"

9. On my family's annual beach week at Long Beach on Oak Island in North Carolina, my brother-in-law Steve and I used to go down to the pier - a mile away - to get sausage biscuits for breakfast. Well, three years ago, some very wise investors bought the property and tore down "the longest pier in North Carolina," the only pier with "reef balls." Reef balls? Sounds like a rash you might catch when you've been standing in the surf fishing too long.

Anyway, the investors broke the property up into five lots, which have been on the market ever since. The only way that was a wise investment was if they bought Beana's, the only other place nearby to get a half-decent sausage biscuit, since the longest/reef ball pier was deconstructed. Well, even though their biscuits aren't all that - they're undercooked and the sausage patties are too small - early this month when we were at the beach, I had to satisfy my craving, so I drove down to Beana's, about three miles away at the other end of Long Beach.

A lady that works there - I don't know if she's Beana, or a waitress, or what - had bought her two kids in to help out. The older one, a girl of about eleven or twelve, was writing the specials of the day on a dry erase board. She had just written "Cheeseburger and French Fries," when her mother walked by and saw what was on the board. "No, no," she said, in a thick southern accent. "We don't call them 'French' fries, because we don't like the French people." Hmmm..."the" French people. Thank God we're not dealing in hyperbole here. "French," of course, by the way, was pronounced "Free-unch."

On another note, my cousin Melissa used to refer to her two grandmothers as "city grandma" and "country grandma..."

10. So back to the "country"...

One morning at the beach, I went to Food Lion to get some groceries and to pick up the Charlotte Observer - Charlotte, of course, being the closest urban area with a newspaper worth picking (literally) up. I must clarify here, that the reason I wanted the Charlotte Observer wasn't for the quality of news reporting (we had cable and Nancy Grace - another story WAY altogether for that), but for the quality of the crossword puzzle. Yes, I am addicted to the crossword puzzle. Thanks, Mom. To be fair to her, though, she says it helps the brain function better.

Anyway, I asked the cashier if they sold the Charlotte newspaper there, and the man said, "Oh, that's a little too advay-unced for us around here. I might have to git out the Webster's dictionary. But ahll read the sports page."

You couldn't script those two scenes, because reality is truly stranger than fiction.

P.S. That was "advanced," for all of you who don' t speak Southern.

P.P.S. I think I need to do more crossword puzzles.

The Neighbor's Dog

The neighbors across the street have a little bark monster. Or so he used to be. I was just walking by and he was standing in the garage looking at me and didn't make a sound. I forgot the little mutt mix had on one of those collars that shock you when you bark. I suppose I should be thankful since he used to bark at anything and everything, and when he started, he didn't stop. If there was a delivery truck next door, he'd bark until the truck left. God forbid there were landscapers around. Then a new neighbor moved in, complained, and the collar went on.

The neighbors, very nice people, would leave the dog in the yard when they were at work. It's a bit distracting for a writer to have a bark monster right across the street, but he's an "outside" dog. Not that that makes it right. As many times as I'd wish that dog would be quiet, I never went over to complain, and after one night last summer, I figured he could bark as much as he wanted to.

It was about ten o'clock at night and the little guy just wouldn't stop barking. Not wouldn't, but wouldn't. I was waiting for him to go hoarse. It was crazy. I looked out the window and there was fire department truck in the street. Not a fire truck, but a department pick up. The neighbor works for the city, so I thought maybe it was work related. After an eternity, the barking finally stopped.

In Arizona in the summer, you have to watch out for rattlesnakes, especially out on the edge of the city where we live. I almost met this one the hard way when I was weeding one day. The picture is a little blurry, but I figured just getting any picture would be enough!

The firemen that came to take him away said he was pretty young, only about a foot long. Only. However, they said these are the most dangerous because they haven't learned to bite quickly without releasing all of their venom.

Well, as it turned out the neighbor's dog was barking at a rattlesnake. I guess it was okay, venom-wise, that the snake was older, since that meant that if anyone (including the dog) got bit, the snake wouldn't have injected all of its venom. However, this rattlesnake was six feet long and five inches in diameter. Six feet long! He wouldn't have bitten the dog; he would have eaten him.

All I have to say, besides "snakes, I hate snakes," is take the shock collar off!

Simple Pleasures

1. Walking barefoot in the surf.

2. Finding money (the paper kind) in a suit you haven't worn in a while.

3. A baby's smile.

4. A child running into your arms.

5. A puppy wagging his tail at you.

6. Falling asleep to the sound of rain on the roof.

7. A rainbow.

8. My nieces' pictures on the computer screensaver.

9. Catching every green light on your way somewhere.

10. A stranger (especially a good looking one) smiling back at you.

Yard Sale

There are few things more year-round Saturday-morning American than the garage/yard sale. To make it even more fun, organize your community and have a few neighborhood sales a year. Just encourage people to haggle. It's fun!

Remember, the idea isn't only to make money; it's to get rid of dust-collecting stuff. Figure out what an item you're going to sell is worth, then lower the price. Now be prepared to lower it again when people haggle. Sometimes I think if people don't haggle, then you should encourage them to do so by saying something like, "Well, it's my sister's and she wants $40 for it but if you ask, I'll let you have it for $30, as long as you don't let her know."

Here's a person who obviously hasn't bought a paperback for under six dollars in a while (which means she doesn't read very much)...

"How much are the books?"
"The hard backs are a dollar and the paperbacks are fifty cents."
"Fifty cents?! It's amazing how much yard sale prices have gone up."
Gone up? What do go up to fifty cents from? A quarter? Some people...if it's not twenty-five cents they won't buy it. Some people will come up to your sale and ask for a price on something and if it isn't twenty-five cents, they will walk away. Walk away. Needless to say, she didn't buy anything.

Hello...? Haggle...!

"How much are the books?"
"The hard backs are a dollar and the paperbacks are fifty cents."
"How about a discount?"
"Okay. How about you buy five and you get one free?"
"Excellent. I might have to get a bunch."
"Great. Here's a paper bag."

A big paper bag.

Family & Friends

1. Nothing is more important than family and friends. If you lose all your possessions and have no money, life may seem in dire straits, but who's going to help you? Your car or your mom? Your furniture or your best friend? Some may say that the most important thing is God, but you could also argue that family and friends are a gift from God.

2. You might be able to have too many family members, but you can never have too many friends.

3. Sometimes it's okay when friends or family members drift away, but it's better than okay to find them and get back in touch with them after many years.

4. Have some friends that you stay in touch with every few months, but have at least a few that you always stay in touch with more often.

5. This probably seems more obvious the older you get, but the longer you maintain friendships, the more meaningful and important they become. Going back to school years, my brother and I both stay in touch with some high school friends. My sister stays in touch with some high school, but mostly college, friends. My mom stays in touch with both and has annual mini-reunions with both.

6. Eat a sit-down dinner with your family at least once a week. I think Sundays are best, because it's a good way to recap the week - even though the "American" calendar begins on Sunday, but that's getting into religion, and you should never discuss politics or religion in a bar or at the dinner table, so let's move on.

7. For some reason, parents seem smart when you're young, not so smart when you're a teen, and then smarter right after you leave home.

8. "A friend, in need, is a friend, indeed." Don't know who said that, but it's worth including.

9. Another obvious one, but one that bears repeating since it's so easy to forget: the more you put into something, the more you get out of it. This is especially true with any relationship.

10. If you're lucky and you're married, then you're married to your best friend. I'm not married, but I imagine that would be the ideal relationship.

Los Angeles

1. Have you ever noticed that if you live outside of California, say, Arizona or New Mexico, and you drive a Mazda Miata or a newer model Volkswagen Bug then you are simply driving a Mazda Miata or a Volkswagen Bug, but if you live in Los Angeles and you drive a Mazda Miata or a Volkswagen Bug, then you are either a young female or gay.

2. In LA, "Classic Rock" rock stations rarely, if ever, play REO Speedwagon, Sammy Hagar, UFO, or Triumph, but in Western states, those guys are popular. It's the opposite for Bob Dylan, The Doors, and Jefferson "Anything." CCR and Neil Young, unfortunately, are played everywhere.

3. Traffic is sometimes not a problem, and it is possible, believe it or not, to actually speed on the freeways in Los Angeles, as long as you're driving on a Sunday at 4:00 am.

4. Traffic in LA may be much worse than Tucson, but at least in Los Angeles people will sometimes stop at a crosswalk to let a pedestrian cross. In Tucson, you have to be in the middle of the road before anyone will even look at you. Forget about New Mexico.

5. Tucson's newspaper, The Arizona Daily Star, has a column called "Playing Poker." The LA Times doesn't have such a column. In fact, in seventeen years of living in Los Angeles, I don't recall ever seeing any type of advice in the Times about card playing. If the Times were to carry such a thing, it would be a special, probably to Thursday's expanded Calendar section, to prep the weekend Vegas travellers. Of course, that day's Calendar would be bigger than the whole Arizona Daily Star, but then LA has always been about being bigger and better. I guess that's sort of a Texas disease.

6. If you live in southern New Mexico, you're a Dallas Cowboys fan. If you live in northern New Mexico, you're a Denver Broncos fan. If you live in Arizona, you're an Arizona Cardinals fan. If you live in Los Angeles, you're #$&* out of luck. Actually, you could be a fan of anyone, since no one is truly from LA.

7. When you travel from LA to the East Coast, you're going "back east." When you travel from the East Coast to LA, you're going "out to the Coast."

8. I love LA, but there are more uptight people there than anywhere else I've ever lived. I guess that's because they're all either agents or young female actresses.

9. Hot weather in LA is 85 degrees. In Arizona, 85 is a cold snap.

10. If it rains back east, say North Carolina, it's just raining. In LA, it's the lead story of that evening's news.

Still More Pet Peeves, Part 1

1. Those stick-figure stickers on the rear windows of cars - usually minivans - of "Daddy," "Mommy," the kids, and the pets, all in descending height order.

2. Too much perfume. Just because you put so much on that you kill your sense of smell does not mean you need to add more. That just kills all of our senses.

3. Toilet paper and paper towels should hang over the front, not the back of the roll.

4. Littering. Duh.

5. Leaving too many lights on in the house. This is really one of my friend Mark's pet peeves, but he's pretty smart, so I guess I can learn from him.

6. Parents that let their kids cry and scream in public places. No, I'm not a parent so I don't truly know what's going on, but you could at least take your kid out of the movie theater!

7. Driving in the left lane, not just passing, especially on an open freeway.

8. Tailgaters. I'm passing already, but I'm not going to speed that much just because you're in a hurry, leadfoot.

9. Speeding up on the freeway to pass someone and then slowing down so they have to pass you. Ever heard of "cruise control?" Actually, that's what Tom's agent should have had before he went on Oprah to profess his love for Katie Holmes by jumping on the couch. Maybe I should say before went on "Oprah." Otherwise, Katie might get mad.

10. The day and week after the Super Bowl when all those jerseys of the winning team appear. If you were a real fan - like my brother Jeff the Giant's freak - you would have been wearing it during the game.

More Love/Like/Dislike/Hate

1. Thunderstorms/pouring rain/sprinkling rain/humidity.

2. The last hundred pages in a good book/the first hundred pages in a good book/finishing a good book/finishing a really good book.

3. "Coming to America"/"48 Hours"/"The Nutty Professor"/"The Adventures of Pluto Nash."

4. Sarah McLachlan's voice/k.t. tunstall's voice/Celine Dion's voice/Mariah Carey's voice.

5. Going to bed to the sound of rain on the roof/going to bed to the sound of the ocean/going to bed to the sound of the tv in the other room/going to bed to the sound of someone else going to bed in the same room.

6. Leftover pasta/leftover steak/leftover sandwich/leftover salad.

7. Having a job that you love and pays well/having a job/filling out an application for a job/unemployment.

8. Roasted Bell peppers/roasted Big Jim chile peppers/Habanero peppers/Habanero peppers the next morning.

9. Super Bowl commercials/good commercials/most commercials/local commercials hosted by the business owner.

10. Simon Cowell/Simon Cowell/Simon Cowell/Simon Cowell.

TV Commercial Quiz

This is a bit silly, but sometimes it's fun to flash back. How many do you know...? Send me ideas and I'll add them to a future entry.

1. Silly rabbit, ____ are made for kids.

2. Yellow moon, pink hearts, green clovers, and blue diamonds.

3. Where's the beef?

4. You'll love it at ____.

5. My ____ has a first name, it's ____.
My ____ has a second name, it's ____.

6. ____ is ready when you are. ____ is ready to fly.

7. I'm stuck on ____ 'cuz ____ are stuck on me.

8. Call ____, that's the name, and away goes trouble, down the drain.

9. ____ wobble, but they don't fall down.

10. Don't squeeze the ____.

Bonus Question: Who was instructed not to squeeze the ____?


1. Trix, 2. Lucky Charms, 3. Wendy's, 4. Levitz, 5. Oscar-Mayer Bologna, 6. Delta, 7. Band-Aids, 8. Roto-Rooter, 9. Weebles, 10. Charmin, Bonus: Mr. Whipple

Still More Pet Peeves

1. Making "quote marks" in the air when you speak.

2. (Forgive me if I offend anyone, but...) Women with tattoos on their breast. Truly, nothing says well-educated, classy, and respectable more than this.

3. In-your-face sarcasm. Good sarcasm is an art form and should be delivered in a subtle manner.

4. People with too many pet peeves. Maybe I should call this "Little Things That Annoy," but then that sounds like I'm never happy. I guess "Peeves" is as good a title as any.

5. When people say "no problem" when you say "thank you." What ever happened to "you're welcome?"

6. Speaking of "thank you" and "you're welcome," have you ever noticed that during a TV or radio interview, when the host says "thank you" or "thanks for joining us," the guest always says "thank you" back? Again, what ever happened to "you're welcome?" It's truly one of those small things that count.

7. For some people, getting carded is annoying, so this could be their pet peeve. When they get carded they get mad; when I get carded, I say "thank you."

8. When you're waiting for something, like to enter a concert, you are not waiting "on line." In case you haven't noticed, there's this little thing called the Internet, and when you're using it, you are "on line." If you are waiting for something, like a concert, in a linear formation, physically, and with other people, and in public - I don't care if you live in New York City and that's how you say it - you are waiting in line. Get with the 21st-and-a-half century there, Duck Dodgers.

9. Why do some men line up new baseball caps in the back of their car between the back seat and the rear window?

10. Speaking of back windows, what is with those little stickers on the back windows of pick-up trucks of Calvin from "Calvin & Hobbes" (along with "The Far Side," one of the greatest comic strips of all time) pissing on a number? Yeah, I know what it's supposed to be - you showing disdain (okay, go look it up) for a rival NASCAR driver, whose number Calvin is desecrating (yes, I'll wait for you to find your dictionary). Please. Like my brother says, if it doesn't involve running or a ball, it's not a sport.

People Are Funny...

If I want caffeine in the morning and I have a hot breakfast, I prefer iced tea over coffee. Since I'm out of tea bags, I went to the Breugger's bagel shop on the corner to get an iced tea. The guy in front of me was ordering a large coffee and asked if they had any non-dairy creamer, because he's lactose intolerant. I know how that feels, and - not to gross you out, but merely to illustrate a point - if I drink a glass of milk, or even have milk with cereal, it will make me feel like I just had Thanksgiving dinner.

Anyway, one of the two teenage cashiers told him yes, they have non-dairy creamer, and pointed to a counter off to the side. So the guy pays and goes over, and adds sugar and looks for the non-dairy creamer, but there's only skim milk, whole milk, and half-and-half. By this time, I'm already at said counter, filling up my cup (regular iced tea - I don't do the flavored stuff) and adding some sugar. The customer asks the other cashier where the non-dairy creamer is, but she doesn't know, so she asks her colleague (the original one who confirmed the existence of the much-needed fake milk). He comes over and the customer tells him that he can't find the non-dairy creamer. The employee then points to the three Thermos containers (skim milk, whole milk, and half-and-half) and says that's all they have; they don't have any non-dairy creamer.

Now even I'm getting confused. The lactose-intolerant customer says that he can't drink milk and the employee apologizes and says that's all they have. The customer - did I say he's lactose intolerant? - looks at my tea, says, "that's good." Okay, at this point, I figure he's going to ditch the coffee and get tea, but no. He then says to himself, "I guess I'll have to take a chance," and proceeds to pour not milk but half-and-half into his coffee. I guess he figured it was half milk and half non-existent non-dairy creamer.

Good luck with that. Here's some Pepto-Bismol.

Love/Like/Dislike/Hate

1. Extra cheese on my burger. It is a cheeseburger, after all, not a hintofcheeseburger/Wendy's cheeseburgers/burgers with no cheese/big fat round baseball-size burgers with a teeny piece of cheese - what did you do, paint it on?

2. Dogs/walking a dog/cleaning up dog poop/people that don't clean up their dog's poop.

3. Sleeping in/getting up early enough to see the sunrise/sleeping too late/getting up before sunrise.

4. Good warm bread with butter/sandwich bread with lots of grains/plain wheat sandwich bread/plain white sandwich bread.

5. Aerosmith/Jay-Z/Country Music/Neal Young.

6. Paella/steak on the rare side of medium rare/steamed spinach/liver and onions.

7. Going to the movies/getting there just before the previews start/getting there after the movie started/people that talk during the movie.

8. Cold beer/chilled beer/warm beer/no beer.

9. Extra crunchy peanut butter/smooth peanut butter/peanut butter that is so "natural" you have to stir it before you can spread it/nothing - what's to hate about peanut butter?

10. Loving/Liking/Disliking/Hating.

Free Stuff

Have you ever noticed that when you offer free things to people, they change? I don't mean change, but change.

An ACE Hardware store just opened here in Oro Valley, and for the last three days, they've been celebrating their grand opening. Friday morning they opened at 7:00 am and the first 200 people got a free flashlight with batteries. Yes, I got one, and it's nicer than I expected. My mom expected it to be a cheap little POS (my words, my acronym) but it wasn't. It's not quite a use-it-as-a-club Maglite, but hey, it's free!

Yesterday morning at 7:00, Mom and I went, and the first 200 people got a five-gallon bucket with handle, and anything you could fit inside it was 20% off, limit one per household. Yes, we each took one.

All three days, you could register for a $500 shopping spree.

Today, there was a $5 gift card for the first 200 people, plus free coffee and doughnuts - oh yeah, and popcorn every day. Sure, ACE opened at 9:00 am instead of 7:00, but there were more people there for coffee and doughnuts than Friday for an $8.99 tax-not-included flashlight. It's funny seeing some doddering old man eating popcorn and doughnuts. Together.

Anyway, when we pulled into the parking lot, I missed a close spot, so I started to back up and this car zipped right into it without even looking at me. Jeez, they must really want that $5 gift card! They got in line behind us and looked like a Q-tip, her son, and two grandkids. The lady speed racer didn't even want the #%$& (again, my words) card and even said to the employee handing out the coupons to redeem inside for the gift cards: "We're just here for the coffee and doughnuts." Sure enough, they fairly flew to the food.

I should have slept in.

Baby Birds

My mom lives in Tucson, and her beautiful back patio overlooks a golf course, and Pusch Ridge and the Catalina Mountians.

Mom loves the patio but the birds love it more; there always seems to be at least one nest out there somewhere. There's a very fragrant star jasmine that the doves like nesting on top of because there's a lot of room and support.

Just outside the sliding glass patio door to the left was the most recently occupied bird condo. The plant is an asparagus fern, but we're not sure about the birds - we're guessing wrens, sparrows, or finches.

This was the first picture I took, about ten days after four of the five eggs hatched.

The birds would chirp quite loudly when they knew lunch was near. Mom (right) & Dad (left) would sit on the fence and make sure the coast was clear before flying in for a tag-team feeding session.

They would then fly to a window ledge above the patio door. One would watch while the other one fed the kids. The one watching could see inside the house and they'd both fly away when I got close. Mom was the more alert one.

To get these shots of Mom & Dad (right) feeding, I hid behind a sheet on the door shutters. The babies would chirp when they saw the parents on the fence, and then I'd sneak up, hold the camera up, and wait.

As soon as I took the picture, Mom & Dad would fly away, but the babies would keep looking to see when they'd come back with more lunch!

They grew up fast. In less than two weeks after they hatched, the first two, hidden center-right behind the asparagus fern fronds, were off. One day they were flapping and the next day they were flying.

This morning, #3 took off. #4 seemed to be giving his home one last look before he flew away, too. All day long I heard chirping and went back to look at the nest, thinking they'd come back, but they're on their own now.

They birds used twigs, string, and bits of cloth and kleenex to build their nest. The ring of black and white is where Mom & Dad pooped while feeding. Such table manners! Unfortunately, one of the eggs didn't hatch.

There is a large flower pot next to the neighbor's driveway, where a dove laid two eggs in a makeshift nest. I only saw this one egg, but Mom and my niece Devon saw two. I saw the mom in the nest only two times and was never able to get a picture of her. I haven't seen her since. I hope she comes back, for her baby and her photo op!

My close friends Tom & Maggie Johnson are bird lovers, so this is for them!

Funny Things People Say And Do

1. My great-aunt Trudy used to make the most delicious biscuits that were the size of a dollar coin - or was it a quarter...?

2. ...then, when she'd ask if you wanted more - duh, they were hardly bite size! - she'd start at the top of some list of relatives in her head ("Bobby, Buddy, Charles, Vic") until she finally got to your name. Then my grandmother Mimi started doing the "list" thing when she called someone. And then my mom. And now my sister does it. To be fair, though, with a houseful of people, say, at Christmas, I can see how it might be confusing. Whatever. It's still funny.

3. One year when we were at the beach - my family goes to Oak Island, North Carolina every year for a week - my niece Devon, who was five at the time, had come inside from the beach in her bikini for lunch. After eating, she was watching MTV, when Sisqo's "Thong Song" came on. When the video was over, Devon asked,""Isn't a thong just a string for your butt crack?" Out of the mouths of babes...

4. ...when Devon was seven, I called to wish my sister Lauren Happy Mother's Day. Devon answered the phone, so I asked what they did for her mom, and she replied, "We gave her presents, and breakfast in bed, and yadda, yadda, yadda."

5. My tenth grade English teacher, Mrs. Dutey, when she couldn't get anyone to answer a question, used to say, "Agh! This is like pulling teeth!"

6. My twelfth grade biology teacher, Mrs. Basanta, used to call everything, from what we'd examine under a microscope to frogs we'd dissect, "little beasties."

7. Since we're flashing back to high school, my Spanish teacher, Mrs. de las Heras, used to call on everyone in class at least one time. She once told me that I would ask a question that wasn't really pertinent to the day's lesson just so she wouldn't call on me - and thus avoid a question I couldn't answer.


8. My nephew Vance is 14 now, the oldest kid in his family, and a natural leader. In fact, he's known how to delegate for years now. When he was 9 or 10, he was the self-appointed "president" of the fort his dad Steve built for him and his brother Connor and sister Devon behind their house. Vance would delegate "fort duties" to his brother, sister, and the neighbor kids. Then, while his "troops" were outside working on the fort, Vance would supervise. From the comfort of his air-conditioned bedroom. You have to hand it to Vance - it does get well over a hundred degrees in Tucson in the summer.

Lauren, Vance, Steve, Devon, Connor (2007)

9. When it's really hot outside, my aunt Betty Jo says "It's hotter'n young love out here!"

10. Have you ever noticed, that when you buy a book of twenty self-adhesive stamps from the post office, the bottom right "stamp" says "not valid for postage?" Have you ever wondered why? Because when it was left blank, someone tried to use it!

Still More Words To Live by, Part 3

1. For any occasion where you have to "dress up" or dress in a particular way (including when it's cold out), remember that more is better. You can always take off a jacket, or a tie, or a suit coat to go less formal, but you can't dress "up" if you don't have the tie or coat to begin with.

2. Take lots of notes. In school, in meetings, or if you're a writer, write everything down. If you're studying, it helps you remember dates and facts. If you're a writer, you can always choose not to use an idea or bit of dialogue, but if you don't write it down and you forget it, then you can never use it.

3. Learn to cook a few simple but satisfying meals. Grill a steak, roast a chicken, and properly cook pasta (don't rinse or drain, but scoop it into the sauce - a little pasta water is good) and you will impress people for the rest of your life, especially dates.

4. Speaking of dates, never be afraid to ask the beautiful woman out. She might say no, but if you don't ask, she can't say yes.

5. As soon as the low gas light in your car comes on, fill it up. Don't wait to see how far you can go before you run out of gas. No, this never happened to me, but it makes sense - sort of a Boy Scout "always-be-prepared" thing.

6. For the screenwriter or filmmaker in us...you can take a good story and make a bad movie, but you can't take a bad story and make a good movie.

7. It's never too late to become what you might have been. Don't remember where I heard that one, but I like it. Reminds me of...

8. ...Morgan Freeman's character in the excellent "The Shawshank Redemption" saying you have to "get busy livin', or get busy dyin'."

9. Speaking of Morgan Freeman, he said something that I've made my motto, as I work daily - even at age 46 - to achieve my dream to become a successful writer. He was on "Oprah" - a year ago, I think, so that would have made him (according to IMDb) about seventy - talking about his career. Oprah commented that it took him a few years to become famous and successful, and asked him how he did it. Freeman replied, "one small step at a time."

10. Advice is always easier to give than it is to follow, especially if you're trying to follow your own advice.

Life Begins At 40

My great-aunt Trudy, the sister of my maternal grandmother Mimi - with whom she lived for as long as I remember - had sort of a one-track mind. I mean this in the (good) sense that once she had a thought in her mind, it was sometimes a bit difficult to get her to think otherwise; she was committed to what she believed in. For example, I was ten years old and Trudy was sixty when my family finally managed to convince her to visit us, with Mimi - by flying. It was only from Fayetteville, North Carolina, to Washington National Airport (as it was know back then), but she had made up her mind that she got around just fine - thank you very much - by car; she didn't want to fly and that was that. Almost. I remember we met them at the airport and held up a sign congratulating her on finally taking her first flight.

When her husband Morris died, Trudy would not only not go back to the house where they lived, she wouldn't even go back to the street. However, if Trudy had ever got the urge to drive herself past the house she shared with Morris, she could have done it, although she didn't get her license until she was forty.

Like any woman, Trudy didn't like to be reminded of her age. She probably wasn't even thinking of the phrase "life begins at forty" when she went to get her driver's license, which happened to be on her fortieth birthday. When the state trooper - back then, driver's tests were official - approached her to give her the driving test, he might have been thinking to himself that this lady was finally getting her license and - like millions of teens today no doubt think - really starting her life. He may have even intended to tease her a little when he proclaimed, "Well, life begins today!" Trudy, no doubt thinking that the trooper was referring to her "advanced"
age, snapped back at the poor man, "How the hell did you know?"

The bottom line is, no matter what age you decide to do something, it's never too late. At least Trudy got her license. And, at least, she flew. Once.

Still More Words To Live By, Part 2

1. Tell your kids at least once a day that you love them, even if they are surly teenagers.

2. For that matter, tell every person that you love, "I love you," and do it often.

3. Learn to speak well and listen better.

4. Try on new clothes only after you've eaten.

5. If you borrow something from someone, like a tool from a neighbor, always return it cleaner than it was.

6. Measure twice, cut once.

7. Think before you speak. Also known as "Engage Brain Before Opening Mouth" (see 4/4/08 entry).

8. Learn one good clean joke. I know one. It's a "knock-knock" joke and it's stupid, but I love it. Of course, I can't write the joke. Call me and I'll tell it to you. You'll roll your eyes, but you'll probably like it.

9. If you're a wine drinker, remember white with white (white wine with chicken or fish) and red with red (red wine with red meat).

10. Rules, once you learn them, should be broken. Likewise, are arbitrary sayings like "white with white and red with red." If that wine goes with this food, then enjoy! The bottom line is, if you like it, then nothing else matters. Of course, that should be tempered by that military-ingrained you-shouldn't-do-something-if-it's-illegal-immoral-or-unethical thing, but that really doesn't apply with wine and I digress, which I have been known to do.

"Fall Out Or Fall Down, Sir?"

Everyone wants to make a good impression their first day on a new job. I did that once, but it wasn't the sort of impression I had planned.

When I was in the Army, my first - and only - combat arms assignment was with the 11th Armored Cavalry ("Blackhorse") Regiment in West Germany, guarding the East-West German border. I checked into the Hotel Wenzel in Bad Hersfeld, and two days later, was in the field with the India Troop Invaders of the 3rd Squadron - "Workhorse, Sir!" Right after I arrived in the field - the sub-zero snow-and-ice-covered field - the commanding officer had my new platoon in formation for me to take charge of. He introduced me to them, them to me, and spoke a few words designed to motivate and inspire. He told me to take charge; I saluted, and he left me with my platoon. I don' t remember all that I said, or even if I said much, but I will never forget dismissing them with "Fall out!"

Then I took one step and promptly fell on my ass.

I also will never forget the words of one young Spec 4 - who, as it turned, out was the driver of my heaterless tank - rising above the laughter: "Fall out, or fall down, sir?!"

More Pet Peeves

1. Women who grow their fingernails more than 1/4", paint little designs on them, or glue on little fake diamonds. I once saw a woman in LA whose fingernails were pierced and had little hoops in them. If you're going to get fancy, stick with a French manicure. They're understated and classy. And no, I'm not gay; I'm just well educated.

2. People who dress up their dogs. That's what the fur is for!

3. "Yip-yip" (that's the sound they make) dogs and women who carry them around in their purses.

4. "Weight-challenged" women wearing spandex, or shirts that are so short they show off their bellies.

5. Dog poop left in the middle of the sidewalk because the owner didn't clean it up.

6. Restaurant servers who ask "Do you want your change?" No, I don't. Please just go ahead and assume that it's all for you.

7. Too much mayonnaise on my sandwich.

8. Not enough mayonnaise on my sandwich.

9. Driving exactly the speed limit. It's okay to go five miles over the limit - that's the range cops give you.

10. Does Paula Abdul - yes, I watch "American Idol," but only when someone else is already watching it - ever say anything bad about anyone?

Still More Words To Live By

1. Call your parents once a week.

2. Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. Don't take this literally, of course. The point is that things aren't always as they seem, including how you see them or what someone else tells you. It's like in elementary school when the teacher lines ten kids up in a row, whispers a sentence to the kid at one end, and tells him to pass it on. When the last kid repeats the sentence, it's often very different than when it started out. I feel the need to apply this thought to the Bible, but I'm not going to touch that one.

3. When you take a quiz or test, always double check your work. When you write something - a letter, email, or note to someone - proofread it.

4. Speaking of writing a letter, write one a week to someone you don't see that often. By letter, I mean with a pen and a piece of paper, that you then put a stamp on and place in the "snail mail." No way of communication shows more interest in someone and more class than a hand-written letter.

5. Never be afraid to say you're sorry. It doesn't mean you're weak; on the contrary, it shows that you're strong enough to admit a mistake and own up to it.

6. Don't ever wear a "wife-beater" tank top unless you cover it up with a shirt, you're in a body-building contest, or you're a woman and you put in on over a bikini. This especially applies if you're a guy and you have big biceps and a tatoo around one of them. You think you're cool; the rest of us don't care.

7. No matter who you are or what country you're from, please take a shower once a day. It's okay to go two days without taking one if you're sick, but otherwise, keep your BO inside your B.

8. Speaking of personal hygiene, if you're a woman, thank you for shaving your legs and underarms. If you're a man, thank you for trimming your ear and nose hair.

9. If you've decided to break up with someone, think twice about it. Is not being with that person worth more to you than being with that person? If you still decide to break up, then do it in person. Nothing shows less class than not breaking up with someone in person. You might as well tell your soon-to-be-ex "other" that you never really cared for them or that you were only in it for the sex.

10. If you're approaching a red light and someone is trying to enter your lane from a side street, stop and let them in. You're not going to be late for anything - you have to wait anyway - and you just put a smile on that person's face.

Think Before You Speak

Engage brain before opening mouth...

One of my dad's last assignments in the Army was at Fort Monroe, Virginia. Occasionally, when my mom was out and about, she would stop at a nearby Hardee's (Carl's Jr. out west) for a Diet Coke. They had a sign in the drive-through window there that said "Free Condiments Upon Request." Sometime later, when she was reading the local paper - the Hampton Daily Press - Mom noticed a letter to the editor wherein a woman wrote to complain that Hardee's was promoting teen sex by handing out "free condoms."

Maybe the advice should be "engage brain before inserting foot."

More Words To Live By

1. Travel a lot - as often as you can. If possible, live in a foreign country for a year. Nothing makes you appreciate your own country and what you have better than living abroad. Plus, it's cool to say "I went to high school in Spain." I have my dad to thank for that one. Those three years in Spain were definitely memorable, especially with a diplomatic passport. And, no, Dad, I won't elaborate on that!

2. If you see some kids outside their house selling lemonade, stop and buy some. Sno-cones count too.

3. Pick a piece of classical music that you like or even one that you may have never heard before, and listen to it often enough - maybe a few times a week - until you've got a good bit of it memorized. You'll be amazed how often you'll here it elsewhere - movies, TV commercials, cell phone ring tones. Little things like recognizing the "Ode to Joy" from Beethoven's 9th always make me smile, especially when it's during the scene in "Die Hard" when the terrorists finally get the safe open..."It's Christmas! Be of good cheer!" The 9th is the one piece of music Mom and I always listen to when we're together. Other good choices are Beethoven's 5th (you'd have to be deaf - ironically, Beethoven was when he wrote it - not to recognize this piece, even if you're not a classical music fan), Mozart's "A Musical Joke," Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, Handel's "Water Music," Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, and "Flight of the Valkyries" from Wagner's Ring Cycle.

4. Unless you're financially independent or retired, you probably work for a living. If you're going to have a job, do something that you love. I love money and wish I had more like everybody else, but nothing beats intense personal satisfaction, except getting paid for intense personal satisfaction.

5. If you have kids, when the youngest is three or four, get a puppy. Just the word "puppy" makes me smile. When I was five and my sister Lauren was four, we got a collie puppy for Christmas and Dad (or was it Mom?)named him Sancho (Panza de Torrealta). He lived until I was a Freshman in college and I will never forget him.

6. Give your kids an allowance, but teach them money management at the same time.

7. Take off your hat when you're indoors.

8. Give a firm handshake, but don't try and prove your strength. Also, don't give what I call a "little old lady" handshake, where you limply grip the other person's fingers with your fingers.

9. When you do give a handshake, or when you're talking to someone, look them straight in the eye. It makes the other person feel like you care about them and about what you're saying, and, believe it or not, it builds your self confidence.

10. The next time you listen to someone speak for more than a few seconds, count how many times they say "ummm." Then, the next time you speak for more than a few seconds, count how many times you say it. You might be amazed how often you do. This also applies to "like," "totally," and "know what I'm sayin'?", know what I'm sayin'?

Words To Live By

Words, phrases, and ideas that are almost guaranteed to bring you good karma...

1. Listen to your mother.

2. Stop at crosswalks to let pedestrians cross.

3. Don't go more than five miles over the speed limit. Unless it's an emergency, those few extra minutes won't really matter.

4. If you say you're going to do something, do it soon. And...

5. Don't say you're going to do something if you can't. This goes hand in hand with...

6. Don't bite off more than you can chew. Literally and not.

7. Be nice to your siblings. You never know, when you're older, if your sister might hook you up with that beautiful friend of hers.

8. Always smile (try to, I know it can be hard), and say nice things about people. Sometimes things have a way of coming back and biting you where you don't want to be bitten. On the other hand, remember when someone said something nice about you? It's good to be on that receiving end.

9. If you have younger siblings or relatives (nephews or nieces), play with them every chance you get. Some day soon they'll be older and might not want to play, but they will forever remember how you treated them.

10. Listen to your mother. That one's worth repeating.

Pet Peeves

...and other annoying things...

#1, of course, if you haven't figured it out by now, is the misuse of the apostrophe. But wait, there are more...!

2. People who don't pull forward at an intersection when it's obvious you want to turn right on red.

3. Not turning turn right on red.

4. (I like loud music like anybody else, but...). People who don't turn their car stereo down - you already heard them approaching from the next @#$%& county - when they pull up right next to you at a red light.

5. Chewing gum with your mouth open and/or making loud smacking noises.

6. Chewing food with your mouth open. I like seafood, but please!

7. Missing the beginning of a movie. Okay, I guess I'm anal like this. I not only want to see the opening of the movie - even if it's just the opening titles - but I want to see the previews as well.

8. Having to wait for a movie to start. I'm here! Start it already!

9. Talking during a movie. This might actually be the real #1.

10. Ordering food at a fast food place, driving away, and discovering that you didn't get what you ordered.

Oxymoronics

ox-y-mo·ron'-ic (ŏk-sē-mə-rŏn-ik)

adj.

When things are together that don't normally go together:

1. as in (when talking about the upcoming two episodes of CSI: Miami being the best) "the best of the Miami's" - there's that damn apostrophe again, thrown in where it doesn't belong. Since everything on TV is true, you think they could get the punctuation right. That was actually two examples, and neither good.

2. Putting the letter "e" at the end of words just to make them look fancy (see also: pretentious), as in "I live in Vista Pointe," or calling your store a "shoppe." This is okay if you live in merry olde England, but, alas poor Yorrick, ye don't.

3. Putting two words together to make up a new word might seem oxymoronic, but in fact, half the English language was created this way. Okay, maybe not half, but my brother Jeff made up a cool word when he was a kid: "deflicted." It's a cross between "defective" and "inflicted." This is actually oxymoronic - or ironic - in the sense that he used the word to mean something not good, but if "defective" is the opposite of "effective," then wouldn't "deflicted" be the opposite of "infilcted?" And, if that's the case, wouldn't "deflicted" be a good thing?

4. Oxymoron itself is not an oxymoron. "Ox" means, informally, clumsy or stupid. A "moron" is a person or thing that is really stupid. "Y' is Spanish for "and." Therefore, an oxymoron is a person or thing that is clumsy and really stupid.

5. Sometimes people don't think about what they say before they say it. I could probably go on and on about this but here are a few examples:

a. "He's a close personal friend of mine." Well, if he's a personal friend then isn't he close? That statement is actually a double oxymoron. Anything that's yours is, by definition, personal.

b. I had a platoon sergeant in the Army who would say, "Now I want you to physically walk over to your tank and..." That may not be oxymoronic but it is moronic. I liked him, though, so I guess that makes it okay.

c. Speaking of the Army, the next person that says "Military Intelligence" is an oxymoron or a "contradiction in terms" will be summarily executed. Stupid things do happen in the military, just like any other huge organization. For example, only in the Army can you cram thirty minutes' worth of training into two hours. Okay, so that's not intelligent, and you're entitled to your opinion; just don't get smarmy about it. You didn't think of it first.

6. The two books in my "library." One is "The Intellectual Devotional," which encourages the reader to "expand your mind." The other is one of my mom's "trashy romance novels." That's what I call them, but they're not really trashy; to be fair, most of them are very well written, which proves you should always listen to your mom.

7. Sports commentator Billy Packer always pulling for UNC. He went to Wake Forest University but never says a nice word about the Demon Deacons, or anyone else, for that matter, except maybe the Tarheels. At least he's not a Duke fan.

8. Davidson College Makes the Elite 8. My sister got her degree there. Less than 1700 students and ranked #10 in their bracket in the NCAA tournament. They had the longest winning streak in the country at 25. They beat Gonzaga (#7, 5400 students), then powerhouse Georgetown (#2, more than 7,000 undergrads), pounded Wisconsin (#3, more than 27,000 undergrads), and made #1 Kansas (more than 25,000 undergrads) work, and work hard, for their 2-point win. That is the kind of oxymoron we could have more of.